that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
