she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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