what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize