I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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