I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Pants are for mortals
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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