I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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