I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
