when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
