even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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