I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
