I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
