why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I am spending my child support on dildos
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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