Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
