I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ladies don't puke and tell
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize