I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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