after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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