My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
