Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He better not be in your backpack
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
