So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize