so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
