: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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