Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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