just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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