All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
