if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
