i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
