We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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