Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
