I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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