i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
