You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize