Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
