i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
