I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
