where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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