Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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