Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I AM VODKA MAN
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
