You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
