omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
