She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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