ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
