We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
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