She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
