I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
