its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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