and you said cock pushups were impossible
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You ruined the universe
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
