I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
