Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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