she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
