my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
