she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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