i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
