I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
