Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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