I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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