Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
