Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
