rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
