The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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