in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize