take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
