my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
