I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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